“Always be prepared.” That’s the Boy Scout motto, and while you’d thought you’d come prepared for anything, you realize now just how stupid that motto is. How can you possibly prepare yourself for every unforeseeable eventuality? The world could end tomorrow due to an alien invasion in which the Martians would come down and vaporize all of mankind into oblivion. How would you prepare for that?
Okay, so maybe your situation isn’t quite as bad as all that, but you’ve been stuck in the woods for hours with no food, no contact with the outside world, and as of about, oh, an hour ago, no patience. And on top of all that, you’ve lost Ryan. To put things delicately, you’re fucking screwed.
A simple camping trip. That’s how it started out. You and Ryan have been planning this for weeks, and even now, you still can’t figure out what went wrong. You drove out to Webster Point, where you left your truck and hiked off into the wilderness with what should have been enough supplies to last you a week. You fancied yourselves modern-day Jack Londons, or Chris McCandlesses, didn’t you? “Ooh, look at me, I’m headed off into the wild, tee-hee!” No. The minute it starts to rain, what do you do? You throw a hissy fit and have to stop to make camp. Except, oh wait. You left the motherfucking tent in the motherfucking truck!
Flashlight? Check. Junk food? Check. Reading material? Check. Tent? Not check. Not. Fucking. Check. Who goes camping and forgets to bring the tent? You do. Why? Because you’re dumbfuck. You’re a dumbfuck, and you will always be a dumbfuck for the rest of your life—which, as it happens, probably won’t be very long. You’ll probably die out here in the middle of nowhere. Congratulations, you are officially the world’s most pathetic excuse for a Boy Scout.
God only knows what happened to Ryan. At some point between the map being ruined by the rain and the bear taking off with what was left of your food supply, Ryan disappeared and you haven’t heard from him since. Maybe he made it out, went for help. Who knows? You certainly don’t. You don’t know anything. You should just curl up in the dirt right here and wait to die.
Wait. What’s that? Is that…Ryan? Coming through the trees? It is! And he’s got something! Is that…Burger King?! What…?
“Dude, where have you been? I went back to get the tent, stopped to get some lunch, came back and you were gone. We were literally like ten minutes from the truck.”
“Wait, what? Seriously? …How did you even find me?”
“I heard you shouting. Something about dumbfucks?”
“Oh. Yeah. Never mind that. …Got a Whopper in there for me?”